Introduction | Jay Barbanel

Hello, the I’m Adopted Community!

I’m Jay, a Los Angeles based adoptee from Costa Rica and author of Finding Tico: A Memoir. I’m excited to join the I’m Adopted Writers page and share my experiences navigating adoption, separation, reunion, mental health, and identity.

My story, as outlined in Finding Tico, starts in a small village in Tejarcillos, Costa Rica. At age three, after spending several months in an orphanage, my brother and I were adopted together by a family from the States. Adapting to life in America didn’t happen overnight but at a steady pace. I was so happy to finally have stability, safety and opportunities I didn’t have in the first three years of my life.

Things took a turn a few years into my adoption when my family was asked to relocate due to my father’s job (no, not military!). We ended up moving to Brussels, Belgium when I was five.

While I gradually adjusted to life with my adoptive family, my brother faced a very different experience. He carried wounds from the difficult years he experienced in Costa Rica.

Shortly after a severe incident, my brother and I were separated. While my family prepared for another international move—this time to Barcelona—plans were made for my brother to return to Costa Rica.

A few months after we arrived in Spain, it was time to say goodbye. My brother and I shared our last meal, our last conversation, and our last hug. That day, in the summer of 1996, remains the most painful experience of my life. For years, I hid it. I told myself to move on, to adapt and compartmentalize it—something I’d learn to do very well as an adoptee.

After nearly two decades, I reconnected with my brother. I believed the pain of our separation was over and that life could finally move forward.

At age thirty-four, however, after some life-changing events, I decided to finally examine the separation and how it affected my adult life. I was feeling lost and wasn’t sure how to navigate the confusion and questions that kept surfacing. I noticed patterns I wanted to change and perspectives I wanted to shift.

After three years (and counting) of therapy, I ended up answering some of the questions I had been holding on to, gaining more insight into my birth family, and reuniting with my youngest sister in Costa Rica. The relationship we share has helped me evolve and begin healing a part of my heart that I always wondered could heal.

It has also helped me understand that reunion can be confusing. Grief, mourning, and ‘what-ifs’ seem to enter my mind more now than ever before.

As a contributor, I hope to explore the complexities of adoption, separation, reunion, identity and healing. More than anything, I hope my experiences help other adoptees feel seen in their own stories and encourage meaningful conversations about the lifelong impact of adoption.

• Pura Vida