Adoption, Some Realities

I recently wrote and shared my adoption journey, birth family reunion and experiences. All the responses and reactions have inspired me to touch on the wide range of emotions surrounding the whole process.

Let me preface this by saying I am no expert, these are just my thoughts on the subject

I'm going to give different prospectives. The first one is about a woman who truly WANTS a baby, but knows in her heart that THIS time is not right. She knows that she is unable to offer this child a stable and healthy environment.

Then I will give it from that childs perspective, what does that adopted child think of all this.

ONE BIRTH MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE

A young woman, having gone through her pregnancy, dealt with all the hormonal changes is now ready to give birth. As if that job isn't difficult enough, now she has to deal with deciding whether she can even see this baby, for fear that she will never let her go. She decides she can handle that and she holds that precious little soul and cries over the decision that's she's made to relinquish this baby. Now, she's signed the papers, but feels she needs to give this baby a name, despite the reality that the name will likely be changed. Perhaps she writes a letter to the baby, praying that their new mama will share said letter with the child when they're grown. Mom stresses over her choice, did she research enough? Is there a better option? Will her new parents love this baby as much as Mama does? Are they financially able to offer this child a stable future. Will she have siblings? Will the new parents favour their own biological children over the adoptee? Will they tell the child that they're adopted? Will they offer the child help to find their biological roots when they're grown., does she WANT to have contact, or will that be too painful? Should she make sure she's easily traceable? Will she have more children, or is this her only chance. What will her own future look like? Will she ever be able to forgive herself?

THE CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE

Years later, I started to REALLY understand that my life began with love and sacrifice. The woman who birthed me didnt leave because she didn’t care—she just had to step away....I believe she truly cared but had to have her own heart broken so that I could have a stable life with bright opportunity. I often wondered IF she held me, whether she cried or how scared she must have been. If I could talk her now, I would want her to know this: her choice did not make me abandoned, I'm grown and I completely comprehend that it was a brave thing she did. She carried me in her body for 9 months and then had to hand me over to somebody else. I think I would say thank you. I may be glad to find her, but I know that the mom & dad who raised me ARE my parents.

ANOTHER BIRTH MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE

Well…damn it. What have I done?

I never wanted a child. I have plans for my life, things I still want to DO. How could I possibly reach any of those goals with a baby depending on me? Everything would stop. My whole life would be put on hold. I can’t do this. I just can’t.

Somewhere out there, there must be someone who actually wants a baby…someone who dreams about holding a child of their own. Someone who would love this baby in ways I’m not ready for.

So I’ll go through the pregnancy. I’ll do what has to be done. Just count the months, the weeks, the days…until it’s over and I can move on.

But how does this even work? Who do I call? Where do I go? Will everyone know, or can this somehow stay a secret forever?

What about later? What if one day I meet someone…fall in love…get married? If we have children together, do I have to tell them about this?

No. They don’t need to know. What people don’t know can’t hurt them. This will be something that happened once…a mistake quietly tucked away in the past.

I’ll go somewhere far away where no one knows me. I’ll take care of everything there. Sign the papers, walk away, and come home like nothing ever happened.

Just a small detour.

Just a moment in time.

And once it’s over, I’ll forget.

At least…that’s what I keep telling myself.

The Child's Perspective

I don't know who I am. My parents didn't have me like people are supposed to have babies. They say they picked me out of a room full of babies and just had to have me. My friends sometimes say I don't have REAL parents, my REAL mother didn't even want me. What good am I? My friends have pictures when their moms were pregnant, there's pictures of baby showers, there's much ado about their births. I think I just appeared. I don't understand....but...there's SOMETHING in my heart, I know there's somebody out there who gave me life. I wonder, does she think about me? Does she even remember?

Ah, but then, my mom calls me for dinner. My dad wants a game of checkers. My brother and I got new bikes! Yummy, I love my mom's cooking. Dad's going to help me with my homework. Today, I know who I am. I'm my mom and Dad's kid. I'm the little brother. This is my life. Maybe when I'm older, I'll think about that other mother out there. Maybe I'll look for her. Maybe I have more brothers or even a sister out there....it will wait.

The Sibling

My mom just told me something. This is weird. I have an older brother! Where is he? Why can't we see him? I've always wanted a brother...but mom said she couldn't look after him and left him for somebody else to look after. I wonder why she kept me? Is there something WRONG with my brother? Will my mom get tired of me and decide I can't live here anymore? What will happen to me? What does my brother look like? Does he have blue eyes like I do? Does he know about me? Did my mom have other kids i don't know about? I wonder if he can come back. Maybe if I ask real nice, will mom take him back? I'm not supposed to tell, she said it's a secret.

I think the point of me writing this is just for people to THINK about these things.

"LOVE just is. It's not how we feel or what we do, It's the fabric of our being. A state of consciousness we share to reflect back to the other, the truth of their being. Love is our way of seeing. The essence of our being"

Regardless of the circumstances of your conception or birth, or relinquishment or reunion, you are all WORTHY. So many adoptees flounder through life, feeling disconnected. I wish the whole world would realize, we are ALL connected. I'm sure most people have read/heard the term Six Degrees Of Separation....but maybe we don't internalize that enough? Words are incredibly powerful. Words really are our lifeblood.

Just something to think about